Tag Archives: journal

Still here.

I’ve been going through a bit of a struggle personally. I don’t mean to use this post as a way to just whine about my problems, more of a reminder to myself that I’m still here and have a voice. It seems to be my natural inclination during times like this to retreat into my head and keep to myself. This isolation technique doesn’t necessarily produce happy results. So here I am, with possibly nothing amazing to say, but I’m saying it all the same. I think it helps to get through the dreariness and despair by opening up more and sharing your voice. Thanks for listening. 🙂

Yesterday, I found this blog, “The One Minute Writer”. I think it’s such a lovely, low-pressure idea; to just spend one minute of your day writing/journaling. Today’s prompt was “Describe your life or current situation using exactly six words.” The first 6 words that come to mind are “I wish I was in school.”

Although I’m very happy that Jordan is doing so well in school to prepare for our future, it has brought on a fair amount of jealousy, which I haven’t exactly worked through. I’ve never been good at not comparing myself to others, and perhaps this is really the prime opportunity for me to learn that skill. But then again, it’s that comparison which is a chief motivator in our current arrangement for me to work and pay the bills, while Jordan works in school to pay the future bills.

I guess sometimes it feels like the current state of my life has precious little meaning and it sort of feels like I’ve lost my voice. Perhaps this partially comes from throwing out my voice in favor of projecting the voice of a giant corporation for 40 hours a week. Then I remember that my situation isn’t unique and certainly there are less cushy jobs than mine out there that other people manage to thrive in. Why is it such a struggle for me? Is it actually my job at all that’s bringing me down?

I see Jordan challenging himself through these difficult classes and I desperately long for that kind of stimulation. What wouldn’t I give to be able to drop all my responsibilities and pursue my education with everything that I have? The other day I was researching colleges that I’d love to attend and it was exciting for a moment, but then reality sunk in. I remembered that full-time education won’t really be an option for me for another 3 years, provided everything goes according to plan with Jordan’s education.

I’m willing to admit that perhaps there is some flawed logic in my thinking. Perhaps things aren’t all gloom and doom and I can find better opportunities now, rather than waiting 3 years. Maybe I’m just in a negative head space that I need to escape from. Perhaps there is a compromise that will work for me. I want to be able to see the opportunities that are presently available to me and make the most out of them, rather than viewing these next three years as some sort of prison sentence.

Regardless, I’m still here.

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Picture Of The Day #1 Miso Soup for Breakfast

#1- 02-10-2014

You know me, I’m always interested in starting a new project. A while back, Jordan and I took a picture every day and made a little journal entry to remember the moment. We started the project because life is precious and as our lives go on, it seems that we forget the little things. The fact is, a week from now I’m not going to remember exactly what I was doing or thinking today.

Not that every moment is worth remembering, but sometimes it’s sad to think about all the moments that are just lost forever. While sorting through our things during the move into our studio apartment, we ran across the little photo album that we kept from that project. It’s truly a glimpse into what our life was like then. After only a couple years later, seeing those pictures brought back those memories and it was special.

I started the project up again, but I’m really no good at printing out pictures and hand writing little journal entries. It never seems to get done. Perhaps in the coming days, I’ll pull out the recent pictures and post them for funsies, perhaps not. We shall see! However, I figured it would be appropriate to give it a try on the blog.

This is the Miso soup that I made this morning for breakfast/lunch. I didn’t do anything special to it, just followed the Basic Vegetarian Miso Soup recipe that I found from a Google search. It really is lovely though. The recipe makes 4 servings, but I’m having the whole thing for my breakfast and lunch. In total, it’s about 450 calories so I figure that’s a pretty good start to my day. The last time I made this recipe, I LOVED the leftovers. Tofu really does take on the flavor of what it’s cooked in, and the tofu from next day Miso Soup was delicious.

I managed to drag my butt to the gym this morning and feel pretty good about that. I seem to have better days when I work out a little. I guess man wasn’t meant to sit in a chair all day, every day huh? While at the gym, I watched a  couple of Amazon Originals pilots on Amazon Prime. I REALLY loved “Mozart in the Jungle”. It’s about time they made a decent show about the life of a classical musician! I hope they order a full season!

 

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In the moment.

http://embed.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

Our brains set us up for disappointment. It’s that “the grass is always greener” philosophy that does me in. I’ve made so many choices in my life based on the idea that if only I could get away from whatever situation I was in and escape to the infinitely brighter and happier future ahead of me that THAT would make the difference in my happiness.  I’ve come to the point in my recent reflections where I recognize that happiness isn’t around the corner or on the other side of the fence, it’s always been right here, waiting for me to grasp it. I’m like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I just need to click my heels and chant “there’s no place like home” :).

I think what gets me is not necessarily living in the moment. I find myself looking to the future so often. Instead of looking at myself in the mirror and loving what I see and what I am, so often I put myself down by thinking things like, “I’ll be much happier when I reach my goal weight” or “if only my hair was longer, then I would be beautiful” or any one of the million things about me that aren’t up to perfection. The reality is that I’ve been much closer to my goal weight before and I’ve had much longer hair and neither of those things have been the key to my happiness.

I’ve been watching a really awesome series of Ted Talks recently, including the one I posted above, and I feel really uplifted and inspired by them. The rest can be found in the series “Ted Talks: Life Hacks” on Netflix. Super good stuff. I feel like they’re helping me to appreciate what I have now and not worry about the future as much. All that stress and anxiety really isn’t any fun and it’s encouraging to know that I don’t have to feel that way. I’d much rather be happier.

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Breaking My Fast


Well, in some ways I can’t believe that it’s already over. In others, I can’t believe it took this long to get through 60 days!!! Either way, planning out a long fast like this and actually completing it are two very different things.

It’s my 24th  birthday and I can’t think of a greater gift that I could have given myself than this. I start this year of my life empowered, healthy, in control, and a little bit lighter.

I’ve proven that I can accomplish any goals that I set for myself. It’s a good thing too, because the next goal will be harder. In finishing the juice fast, I’m continuing my life’s health journey. I’m determined to take advantage of the changes I’ve made in the last 60 days and incorporate them into my life.

Finishing up the juice fast is just the beginning. I’ve got a long road ahead of me and I know it won’t always be easy. Despite the challenges ahead, I’m so excited for this next phase in my life and I can’t wait to share my journey along the way with you guys.

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