I’ve been going through a bit of a struggle personally. I don’t mean to use this post as a way to just whine about my problems, more of a reminder to myself that I’m still here and have a voice. It seems to be my natural inclination during times like this to retreat into my head and keep to myself. This isolation technique doesn’t necessarily produce happy results. So here I am, with possibly nothing amazing to say, but I’m saying it all the same. I think it helps to get through the dreariness and despair by opening up more and sharing your voice. Thanks for listening. 🙂
Yesterday, I found this blog, “The One Minute Writer”. I think it’s such a lovely, low-pressure idea; to just spend one minute of your day writing/journaling. Today’s prompt was “Describe your life or current situation using exactly six words.” The first 6 words that come to mind are “I wish I was in school.”
Although I’m very happy that Jordan is doing so well in school to prepare for our future, it has brought on a fair amount of jealousy, which I haven’t exactly worked through. I’ve never been good at not comparing myself to others, and perhaps this is really the prime opportunity for me to learn that skill. But then again, it’s that comparison which is a chief motivator in our current arrangement for me to work and pay the bills, while Jordan works in school to pay the future bills.
I guess sometimes it feels like the current state of my life has precious little meaning and it sort of feels like I’ve lost my voice. Perhaps this partially comes from throwing out my voice in favor of projecting the voice of a giant corporation for 40 hours a week. Then I remember that my situation isn’t unique and certainly there are less cushy jobs than mine out there that other people manage to thrive in. Why is it such a struggle for me? Is it actually my job at all that’s bringing me down?
I see Jordan challenging himself through these difficult classes and I desperately long for that kind of stimulation. What wouldn’t I give to be able to drop all my responsibilities and pursue my education with everything that I have? The other day I was researching colleges that I’d love to attend and it was exciting for a moment, but then reality sunk in. I remembered that full-time education won’t really be an option for me for another 3 years, provided everything goes according to plan with Jordan’s education.
I’m willing to admit that perhaps there is some flawed logic in my thinking. Perhaps things aren’t all gloom and doom and I can find better opportunities now, rather than waiting 3 years. Maybe I’m just in a negative head space that I need to escape from. Perhaps there is a compromise that will work for me. I want to be able to see the opportunities that are presently available to me and make the most out of them, rather than viewing these next three years as some sort of prison sentence.
Regardless, I’m still here.